Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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