Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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