that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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