Apparently you make a good broom.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
