Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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