No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
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