U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
