I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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