Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
