I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
