he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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