I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
