I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
