Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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