i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
