Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
