pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Randomize
