I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
