I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
