you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
