I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
