But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
