I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
3 2 1 whiskey
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
