Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
