My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Oh god it's open bar.
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