just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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