I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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