Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
