dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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