bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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