I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
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