eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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