The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
