i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
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