Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
