I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
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