I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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