I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
