If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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