3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
