Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
