i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
