he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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