There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
