Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Ambien. No doubt about it.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Randomize
