I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Randomize
