The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
