There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
