the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
