she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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