The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
